My Scorpio Sun in the 4th house desires to connect with people on a deeply intimate and emotional level. One intimate and trusted relationship where I can be myself without fear of judgement, is worth more to me than a dozen surface level relationships.
I am naturally guarded, cautious and selective of who I share myself with. Even though I have this deep desire for connection, I also have an underlying challenge with trust and a fear of being vulnerable. I have a long history of being hurt by others whom I have opened myself up to. So when I establish a foundation of trust with you and let you into my life, I take that relationship very seriously.
As I grow more and more into who I am, with a strength and knowingness of my truth, it matters less and less what others think of me. I have noticed that as I integrate all my past experiences and embrace them as part of my wholeness, it strengthens my understanding of who I am and what my life has been about.
You cannot have intimacy
without some level of vulnerability
We are heading into the Fall season which happens to be one of my favorite times of the year. It is also a time that brings up a lot of painful feelings and emotions for me. Normally it hits me at the end of October but I find myself feeling it a bit earlier this year, and I have a feeling I know why.
I know my Soul’s purpose is to help others heal by reconnecting with the essence of who they are and to their Soul’s Truth.
I also know as I speak more openly about my own experiences, it opens the door for others. It establishes a common thread for us to feel a deeper sense of connection and removes that feeling of being alone in our pain.
Opening the door
During the month of October seven years ago, my life completely fell apart because I was using alcohol to numb my pain instead of facing it head on. I chose to isolate from others and be alone, drowning in my pain, instead of reaching out for help.
In the beginning stages of my recovery, I was unable to speak openly about what I was going through, with the exception of a few trusted people and inside the walls of therapy. It was my biggest source of shame and I just couldn’t do it. My wounds and pain were so deep that I needed to protect myself in order to continue with my healing.
Healing was my #1 priority
Over time, I shared my story with people that I intuitively felt called to share it with. Later, I realized that they were also dealing with something, either alcohol, food addiction or other forms of escapism. They too understood what it meant to feel pain on such a deep level that isn’t always easy to understand.
I was no longer hiding under a complete rock of shame, yet still reserving my story for a selective few.
As Brené Brown states:
“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.”
I believe this quote to be true, especially when we are new at being vulnerable and building healthy boundaries in our life. We need to build a solid foundation through our healing journey, which eventually gets us to where we can speak our Truth openly, without attachment to what others feel or think about us.
I didn’t set out to write this today but it is what my Soul guided me to do. I know that I am being guided to reveal more of what I have been through on this journey and how that has shaped my life. How that will unfold is still a mystery to me.
For now, I am trusting that someone out there needs to hear this and for that someone…I see you, I love you and please know that you are not alone in this world.
Blessings,
Tania
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